Sunday, March 28, 2010

What’s the Difference Between D/s and BDSM? *

*This is a completely unscientific and un-researched expose, drawn entirely from my own impressions and experience. It’s my personal take on the language. I purposely did not go to the Internet to check facts or references, drawing instead from my own twisted little brain. In other words, this is just my opinion. Not a statement of fact. I welcome your comments and interpretations.

BDSM. 

Four little letters. So much power. Bondage. Discipline. Sado-masochism. It wasn’t all that long ago you didn’t find those four letters lumped together. There was B&D, and there was S&M. B&D focused more on just what it implies—bondage, and enforcing behaviors via discipline, correction or punishment. The intent is sexual, with the added overlay of rope and obedience.

S&M is the darker stuff, the stuff Marquis the Sade (whose name, of course, gives us the term sadism) wrote about, that makes you cringe even if at the same time it arouses some darker impulse of desire. No safewords in his writings, but plenty of blood and horrible suffering, mixed in with an (un)healthy dose of misogyny.
BDSM is a sort of conglomerate of it all, a hodgepodge of “the scene” with all that entails. Plenty of room for whips, chains, rope, submission, Dominance, power exchange, Master and slave. In its common usage, at least as I understand it, BDSM is more about the physical aspects of the scene. What happens, and who’s doing what to whom. It’s about the leather, about the gear, about the proper etiquette and behavior, both public and private.

Over the past few decades a new term has emerged. D/s. Dominance and submission, but a new, softer definition than that contained in BDSM. D/s has evolved to be more about the emotional connection. The spiritual connection, if you will, between Dom and sub. At least, that’s the way I interpret it, and how I use it in my writing. BDSM is black leather and single tail whips. It’s hardcore bondage and a need for safewords. D/s is about romance. It’s about the power of erotic submission. D/s captures the emotional bond between a Dom and his/her sub, a connection at once fierce and tender, soft as velvet but stronger than steel.

Yes, I admit it—I’m a hopeless romantic when it comes to D/s. How about you? What’s your take on the terms? BDSM vs D/s? Oh, and since you read this far, your comment will automatically enter you into a contest for a free ebook download from Romance Unbound. I’ll pick a winner this coming Friday, April 2.

20 comments:

  1. I read BDSM books and the value of them to me is in the author's writing. Yours are terrific. I agree with the D/s changes-I prefer softer and more romantic stories. I also prefer the D/s to be M/M. I'm not crazy about menages, but again it depends on the author.

    marcy

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  2. Menages are very hard to pull off successfully. Have you read Submission Times Two? My first m/m/m BDSM effort.

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  3. I read BDSM stories by certain authors. I enjoy yours very much.
    I enjoy BDSM and D/s equally.

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  4. Do you find you can have romance with the Dom who wields the whip Claire?

    Is SM all dark? Or are you putting your dark fantasies in a place where romance fears to tread?

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  5. I hadn't thought about the difference in the two terms/practices, but your definitions make a lot of sense to me. I know I've read 'bdsm' stories which were very romantic, but as a whole they focus less on that aspect than do many 'D/s' stories. so this works for me, and is probably something I'll add to my personal set of definitions

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  6. I read and enjoy both BDSM and D/s. I don't like them to be too dark though. I mostly like things on the lighter side that allows for more romance.

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  7. In the way you have differentiated the two, you've captured an essence so many of us feel. My definition of D/s allows me to incorporate elements of BDSM, but requires me to practice them with love, caring and an emotional connection. It's akin to the difference between making love and just having sex. Which would you prefer?

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  8. I think each reader and writer have different definitions of these terms. And the extend of them. For one, a BDSM could be tame, but for another the same book is beyond what they like. I do like how you describe D/s. Thank you for your insight to this topic. I know that I love your work and how you take control of the BDSM and D/s writing style. I think yours is some of the best out there. Yours and Joey W. Hill. Her vamp BDSM is really great.

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  9. Exploring - You can definitely have romance with the one who wields the whip, no question. I don't think romance necessarily means soft and sweet. It can be every bit as intense and powerful as pure, hot BDSM (again my way of defining). The real difference, I guess, is the love.

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  10. I totally agree. It's about having a feeling you can't contain and the whip helps release it. The love of the person behind the whip helps that. It's a bond for sure. :)

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  11. This is interesting. I've never really thought of separating the two before. But now as I think about this, yes I can understand. I definitely agree that BDSM would be the more physical, tangible, while D/s is they mental, psychological. That doesn't mean however that the two can't be interconnected. I think combining the two is what makes it all interesting. Pushing the boundaries.

    Thanks Claire!

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  12. As a submissive who engages in BDSM, I have strong opinions on this. For me, submission is who I am. It colors all I do and the relationships I have. Now, it does not mean I have no backbone. :) Submissive is a description of a character trait for me.

    BDSM, in my opinion, is an activity which I engage in.

    Jase

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  13. I'm glad to hear your take on this Claire. I found this article reassuring that there is more to D/s than physicality. Jase's comment underscored that.

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  14. Yours was the first BDSM story I ever read (Golden Boy) and find I only enjoy BDSM and D/s stories by certain authors. I found Jase's comment very enlightening a well.

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  15. Until recently, I've been guilty of using only the term S&M and grouping everything into that category. Reading the different terminology helps greatly to bring a greater understanding to the different practices. I prefer more of the romantic side of these stories. The first stories that I read didn't deal with romance so I stopped reading them. I'm glad that now I can find many stories that do.

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  16. Lot's of m/m romance stories have D/'s undertones without explicitly telling us. Which is good enough for me. Because we can pretend the heroes are equal in a m/m, they are not. I quite like it when a writer plays with the concept.
    I do like bdsm stories too but not all the time because they ask more from me emotionally when written well. For me they are the more intense read because there are so much more emotions at play then just a fluffy romance story.

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  17. Ingrid, that's an interesting point. And it makes sense, too. You don't always want a super intense experience when you're just reading to relax. Yet, for me, I think one reason I so enjoy writing BDSM and D/s stories is precisely because of that intensity. Sometimes when I'm in the groove with a story, I am literally sweating and out of breath when I complete a chapter, so completely involved in what's happening. I find I only experience that level of involvement when it's BDSM, but then again, that's probably because that's what floats my personal boat! :)

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  18. Fantastic post Claire! I love the fact you break everything down for those of us who confuse the terminology (yes, I have been guilty of this!) And I absolutely agree with you about de Sade's writing - creepy stuff.

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  19. Well, Julianne, just remember my caveat at the beginning of the post - strictly my own interpretation - how I use the words, not necessarily what's written in stone at the great mount of leather and chain in the land of erotic kinkdom...

    But thanks for the feedback/discussion, one and all!

    What should our next topic be?

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  20. And the WINNER of the free ebook download for your choice from http://romanceunbound.com is.....LENI!

    (winner selected at random - thank you all VERY much for your insightful comments!)

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